(It's a joke, these aren't very good)
Diplomat: Release all captive specialists you own in any place ever. And send them home at 100x speed.
Elder: No specialists participate in any combats at all.
Foreman: Produce 1000 extra drillers per cycle.
Engineer: Repairs x% where X is the amount of drillers you have.
Pirate: Target and destroy any sub on the map, then travel back home at 500x speed.
Lieutenant: Destroys 500 drillers and has a 555.5% speed boost.
General: Destroys 10000 drillers and has a 1111.1% speed boost. All specs deal an added 11111 damage.
Princess: Adds 1234% sonar range to her outpost.
Infiltrator: Destroys 1 shield.
Sentry: Destroys entire subs and shoots every tick.
War Hero: Destroys 20 million drillers.
Intel Officer: You can see everything.
Tinkerer: Adds 1000S to your cap when S is max shield and drains shield by 1 every 48 hours.
MoE: Reduces production by 1 and increases cap by 1337.
Sabo: Sends enemy subs into the deep ocean.
Assassin: Get 1000 with each hire.
Inspector: When arriving at an outpost, increases max shield by 1089 and charges it fully.
Sec Chief: Increases all shields by ten. Thousand.
DA: Same as a sabo.
Queen: Hires ten times per tick. Increases her outpost shield charge by 123456.
Thief: Converts 110% of drillers.
Smuggler: Travels at 3333x speed.
Tycoon: Factories produce 10x faster.
Navigator: When rerouted, travels at 1000x speed.
Admiral: All subs teleport.
Martyr: Blast radius is 50% of the map. On a serious note, I do wish the martyr blast radius was bigger.
Helmsman: Doubles sub speed every tick.
Hypnotist: Converts all specialists on the map to you.
King: Destroys 1 driller for every 10 quintillion drillers your enemy has after the specialist phase.
Now, what do you guys think?
It's a joke.